Star date k219.31.10, Halloween in Portland Oregon. I am sitting alone at Portland International Airport, nowhere to go, just sitting here with my machine and the soundtrack to a movie that hasn’t been made yet. Well, I’m just making noise really. I don’t call it music until someone says they like it and asks if I have a CD to sell.

the volume is high so I cannot hear whats going on around me, so I’m pretty much in my own head until someone moves too fast of a collection or colors demands my attention. hmm, now that I notice, the eye automatically raises for large groups of women; not that I care but something about they way they move always gets me. Guess its that artist eye again, gets me into trouble if I let it but I’ve been really good these days. I don’t get shit done when a woman is involved, let me rephrase that… I’m older now and I haven’t dated any women. i think a woman would know how to handle a man like me but I haven’t given anyone much of a chance or myself.

I am uncertain as to why I began this note, other than to occupy my mind and look busy while I charge my machine.

If your reading this and don’t already know, I’m homeless again for the umpteenth time. Yeah I know; aside from eating steak everyday, I’ve been really good about saving money for emergencies but this last fall was unexpected and not of my doing …well, i was working overtime again, and that’s a no no in the cab business. Yes! I got fired for working to hard and moved out my downtown studio to avoid an eviction. Sucks balls.

I’m not all mad, I’d planned on leaving next summer after I had taught myself enough about web design and such but life said its time to move on. Life is always right but damn..that slap up side the head is a motherfucker.

PAUSE

How do I feel right now …..well, I’m trying to let go of Facebook because I need more responsive audience but I feel, alone. I am fortunate to have a few peers that will reach out from time to time but they are struggling just as I am; funny how that works, we who struggle the most always help one another so we never really get ahead but we’re there for one another when we fall. Sometimes I wonder …..what is it really for and why have I suddenly come to feel the need to be so open about my situation; no one cares. I’m just like the guy standing with the “help me I’m homeless” sign at Salt and Straw, being ignored by the 40 or so people standing in line. We are incredibly selfish but I understand. We’re screwed up, him, me, them.

Maybe there’s a reason, I’ve become so vocal lol, even though my punctuation and writing style is so OFF. lol

Now do i see if my friend is home and sleep on her couch or ride a bus until my battery dies and start this process again, I wish this laptop battery would last longer. lol I wish I had a better laptop. (that will come, after I start this new job), Damn, I should have kept that Comcast laptop I found….. Mr. fucking nice guy but had I cracked the damn thing, I’m careless so I would have gotten caught messing around with it. lol. a little test of my morals and virtue? who knows.