Shhhh, I trying to decide if I’m going to sleep here in Director Park or go charge my laptop and work on my new logo.

I know, I know… Why am I still homeless. I am still working, I just can’t save the money because I’m staying in a hotel whenever I can. I’m lucky there’s at least one hotel that’s fairly cheap for people like me who don’t need the Five Star life.

I pay 55 – 75$ a night at the Georgia Hotel in downtown Portland, it’s a dive but it’s safe. I stay there so I don’t feel like a total loser, I gotta keep my ass clean and face shaved so I can be presentable at work. I think I make 16$ an hour, not quite enough for a grown ass man but it’s something until I can do better. Its funny, now that the world is falling apart, I am trying to keep my affairs in order. I have two brokerage accounts but my Schwab account is blocked for some stupid shit Chase bank did; it’s been blocked for a month now and I’m furious but I think I have a well rounded portfolio on Robinhood. I think I’m being foolish for trying to save money while being broke but I’m hoping for the long run.

Have you been watching the news? This Covid thing has everything fucked up and this racial shit… When will it end. Fuckin aye. If I didn’t have this relationship with my other self, I say God hates my ass and doesn’t want me to be well.

Yeah, that’s how I feel sometimes, every once i awhile I break down and catch myself weeping. I can’t be strong all the time. I’m lucky my peers try to help once in awhile but it’s hard pressed for everyone. I think it’s harder for me now because I don’t have a place to be creative. Going to the library made it okay because I had someplace to go and process things; now I stay up all night after work and sleep on the train at dawn, until it’s time for work. I don’t get much done between times, so I’m stuck in this circle. Glad I’m sober still, otherwise there’s no telling what the hell is be doing. This whole situation is so surreal. It feels like one of those dreams where you’re kinda awake, trying to force yourself awake.

I know I’d have a place by now if it wasn’t for this Covid crap bit damn God, gimme a break.

I want to start my business again, I don’t know how that’s gonna go with everything that’s going on so I’m trying to brainstorm as to what I can get started with the least money. I need to pay a traffic ticket so I can validate my license again. Maybe starting a delivery service would be easiest. I need to make time to visit SCORE again. Can I get a business loan to purchase an apartment building or convert an office building into apartments? I need smart people in my life. I have so much potential still but money has always been a problem… Yes I know, I’ve wasted a lot of time and money over the years but I’m trying to make up for that.

Damn, fucking timing.

I’m okay, I’m calm, motivated… Tired bit motivated. I’ll figure this shit out.

I should stop being so real and not telling you my business but who else am I gonna tell. I got no one to confide in and the new thing is transparency so, I guess this is good right?

I haven’t given up and I don’t look as if I’ve given up… I hope.

Damn.

E train starts in an hour, I’m gonna find an outlet for my laptop.

I don’t know if anyone can see what I’m writing bit if you can… Take care of yourself, okay.