Look at me

• I’m taking a stroll down memory lane, into a body of work I seldom look upon. It’s unedited off the cuff, reflection of self. It’s quite old but it’s time to revisit and allow it to speak. I’m fairly busy but if you’d like to help me unpack this, engage me. This piece like so many are a conversation with myself.
• I think half the collection has been edited but I have a long way to go and as you can probably tell not so linear
• ***Look at me, no don’t, I mean I want you to see me…No just notice that I’m here. I, can’t umm, will you talkto me for awhile? No, I really don’t have anything tosay but I think I need some company. Oh yeah, yeahI’m alright, well… I’m not feeling all that right, rightnow; you know what I mean? Well, maybe you don’t.But; I’m really upset right now and I don’t know whatto do.I feel like, something’s wrong with me, like I’m one ofthose sick crazy people on TV. I know it sounds stupidbut that’s what I feel like, like everything I do is wrongor like I’m not in control of my self. Does that soundweird? And I always get in trouble for every little thingI do. Shit, oh sorry god; I even get in trouble for thestuff my sister does. How do I get in trouble? I don’tknow my mom yells at me and stuff for no reason and ifshe’s really mad she’ll hit me; With anything. Yeah! Iknow that’s fucked up right. I wish I was in your familyyou guys are always happy and yourfolks are nice tome. I hate my family, we’re all psychos. Someday I’mgoing to run far away so I don’t have to deal with thisshit anymore and then she won’t have anyone to beatanymore. I mean; Umm. Yeah she hits me a lot; withwhat? Well the extensioncord is the worse, whichstings for hours and leaves a mark. I think I still haveone here from the day before yesterday… you want tosee it?
• It’s depressing to recall the past but the alcoholsuppresses feelings and emotions that filled that time ofmy life while I write. I know it’s easy to want to blamethe pain on yourself because that’s what you’ve heardfor so long and you begin to believe there’s really aproblem with who you are. Let me tell you, even ifthere was some strange crazy mental malfunction withyou then (as a youth), your folks where just as fucked,even more so and wait till you become aware just howscrewed the HUMAN CONDITION is you will want tokill yourself just to get out.Yes, I been there and at first I didn’t know it, rather Iwasn’t aware that I was subconsciously trying tofucking off myself but looking back I can see just howreckless I was about my life. Well, I’m still kind ofunhinged but a bit more careful now as I age. Youknow there’s really nothing wrong with you or any ofus for that matter but and I say but loosely, some of usdo need a little help sometimes adjusting to certainclimates or altitudes. Remember when you thought thatyour you might be in control of yourself or your folkswhere ruining your life yeah youknow that age whenyou think you know every thing but still got the shitkick out of you and your sitting in front of the TVthinking real life cant be that good. Well my friend, it isand it isn’t and your crazy folks were probably nuts andthe TV was ruining your life but there’s help if youlook closely at this strange world we live. OH HOWSTRANGE IT IS, so damn strange that on a bright asunny day you can find yourself happy and in love(damn love, lol) and still be trying to kill yourself butthe scariest thing is when, well for me was when I lefthome with the intention of jumping off a bridge. As youcan see I didn’t do it but those few minutes where sodeafening. Trying to talk myself out of it and countingthe seconds between each car as it passedunder me.Trying to calculate and plan the fall that wouldcertainly finish the job swiftly that I would not findmyself trying to recreate to moment because I failedlike everything else in life. Really that would piss meoff to no end; a life of fuckingthings up and you can’teven kill yourself right. DAMN! Well I talked myselfout of it and decided I needed to get some help fromsomebody that might know what I need, yes I saw acounselor. OH it was my second time around, the firsttime was a cry for help but she didn’t get it nor did themedics at the hospital, (evil place). However this time Ifound the will to talk about what was really troublingme and realized with the help of the counselor that Iwas abused and traumatized, which I already knew butsomething changes when someone else says/knows it. Iwas relieved in a way, like this person might knowwhat I need to do to feel; right, about myself. Youknow we’re the generation of do it your self helperswith all the reassurance in the world but no real
• validation for our efforts. I mean; what do we modelourselves after, who do strive to be. Religion andspirituality just doesn’t fit the bill these days for thechildren’s children of our great fathers and motherswho had to fight just to be… but whowhere they andwho are we. Buried alive trying to dig a way out agrave with no stone to tell us anything and if you dohappen to be slightly gifted to hear a voice or two andyou think you just lost your natural fucking mind… orlike I’m going to admit with all the other shit going onin my life that I fucking hear voices and they’re reallypissing me off that i have to keep the television or radioon to drown them out and even then the programs seemto talk to reflect my life. No I’m not going to tell youthat I’m fucking afraid of people because I never reallyhad any childhood friends and even though it takes mea fucking hour to leave the house because I cant openthe door for fear that I may never be able to return orthat someone might be following me. Sigh. Life is acruel fucking joke and we’re all victim to it. Want toknow something funnier when you’re so ready to dieyou won’t and when you really want to live and behappy life will take you’re ass out in the most horrificof ways just to mock your attempt and thoughts ofsuicide. Yes that just how warped life is. SHIT. Iwouldn’t be surprised that after completing this essayI’d die of a heart attack or some blood vessel woulderupt, fall and expire here with the last word. Shit, I’dbetter watchmy mouth. The mind and written word arepowerful beyond belief.PAUSE
• I am writing this because life seems to be calling for mystory. Being that my talents are fueled by the trials andtribulations people seem to relate in ways I never reallyunderstand other than maybe they’ve had a experiencethat is somehow recalled by the images that come frommy art. Maybe I am communicating something that I’mnot aware of or maybe I am aware but refuse to noticethe real transmission. HELL who am I kidding; I’m agrown ass man who regressed to some childhoodpsychosis shit I saw on TV and traveling though timeas a child a man a supernatural being and god knowswhat else…and in the middle of it all somehow I makea connection with someone. You me him her, I don’treally know how or why but I keep hearing this lovething is spreadingNow before I forget. this love thing is so strange evenmy concept of love changes from day to day even as theseconds go by and really when it comes down to it, Iwouldn’t know what love was even I was beaten withit. (Chew on that for awhile, I dare ya)PAUSE FOR NEW DAYSteak isn’t good for me at 2am after work but I felt likeI needed a treat and hopefully it will do more help thanharm. I think this in my head but my body throwsmeinto muscle spasms and back aches throughout the day.Pause
• I went out last night after work to the Greek Cusina andhad two beers and a Black Opal; I had a good timethough the music wasn’t to my dancing taste I made thebest of it. Its nice to leavethe scene and returnunexpectedly, its like a family reunion among friendsand a well like or someone that people notice get to feellike royalty when treated like a celebrity. Now I’mnobody special but the love is well appreciated anddoes wonders for the ego. I’m quit fortunate when Istop to recall the time spent with them even the peoplewho admire one another but few words ever pass. Iguess it’s safer that way, not to pour all your emotionsand day to day life on acquaintances. Not that like itsshallow but there is a time and place for it and we allhave the same problems at some time or another its justwe all dress up and gather to celebrate the fact that welive to see another day with one another. Holdinghands, hugging, embracing the spirit oflove and thatconnection gives us hope and reason to continueforward on with this great and amazing life.Its almost 3am the fireplace is filled with logs and I justchanged into my pajamas, well they’re sweatpants anda worn-out thermal top; I don’t think I ever owned apair of real jammys. I’m playing music by the groupZero7 and my mood is a calm shade of teal. I imagine afield of periwinkle blue flowers, the sky is green andpurple with and orange moon full and smiling from theopposite side of the galaxy whispering to the stars toshow me a design to illustrate. The vision comes on acool breeze and I shiver as if someone had just reachedout and tapped me on the shoulder. Look! A voice says.Can you see the sounds? I look over my shoulder andthe fire dances and hums with the music. The aromafrom the burning wood fills my nostrils with the delightof fresh apple pie on a sunny Sunday morning in themiddle of a June, wiping the sleep from my eyes andthinking out loud, it’s my birthday!. Oh yeah.Ireally should be preparing for bed now, work isphysically demanding well not really but enough that Ineed to rest and eat somewhat regular. Which remindsme I haven’t done any grocery shopping yet, I’m so badabout that. I would eat so much better if Ihad a maid tofix meals and keep up my home. Ha-ha, maybe I shouldbe married, HA-HA-HAA good luck with that one,right.Suppose I should relax now that I have Frankie playing(ah yes, Sinatra baby)PAUSE FOR Sleep***