Hello notes… how are you this Monday morning?

Oh, I have a cold.. slept most the weekend, so I’ve been up all night, piddling around my room. I’m managed to set up my machines but there’s much more to do to make a proper home-network. Don’t know why I think I need a network. I don’t have a business, suppose I could but who the hell can afford a novelty tshirts and art right now.

I think I’m having a dance with “depression” right now but that would be a cop out. Shit happens and I’m just not motivated right now… I know, that’s bullshit too.

I’m trying to ween myself off FB again. I hate that I fell for it in the first place. If I wasn’t already trying to express myself better, I wouldn’t do this here either but I must, for my own fucking sanity

and why am I trying to express myself??

I haven’t the slightest idea…. it’s not to attract a girl, I’m sick of them. I’m tired of hurting and wondering. I can barely stand myself most days, ignorant fool that I am.

Its funny… someone responded to something Id wrote on FB, saying it was wise. Fuck, if I was wise I wouldn’t speak at all. I don’t feel wise or smart, I’d argue being called intelligent. I’m just a lonely fool.

Wanna know a secret… I almost wish I hadn’t stop using drugs and died, god knows how i pushed the envelop. I’d do it know if I wasn’t so attached now, I mean.. positive.

I’ve been in crisis mode for so damn long, it’s a relief that I am better while many others crumble. Sure it hurts my heart but those same people wouldn’t notice me if I cried out for help.. and I have. Anyways. I don’t know what tomorrow brings; I ache like an old man.

I suppose I’ll be creative with my vocabulary sooner or later but I just want to talk and make some record that I’m processing the shit in my head, in hopes that I am actually progressing in these things that I do.

I’m not gonna write anymore about the BLM stuff or politics… it makes no sense to argue with people who fail to understand that we are all the problem… but I’m not Brother Malcolm or Martin Luther. but who knows, I realize that I am now in position to create the platform for my own voice..

FB is a lousy outlet, tunnel vision for lonely fools… don’t be mad, I know you’re on there…I’m one of those lonely fools too. I just hope its not to late to let go. I talk a lot of shit but I do need someone to hold my attention, I really don’t want to die alone, without experiencing a true partnership.

eh, I don’t know if I work today so I should probably try to sleep a lil bit.

Fucking lifes a tripp