Hello Notes

The linear time now is 23:49, I am laying in my bed thinking about all of nothing and everything. Much as I want to talk or say something profound… I know it won’t be anything worth the breath.

I have an annoying itch on my shoulder blade but I cannot reach it, I should stand and scratch against the wall but I chose to tell you about it. I’m bored. I feel like something is missing from my life but I don’t know how to capture it.  Sure I know what it is….

It’s companionship and communication but I’m not easy to talk to, just as soon as I think I want attention, I don’t. I need love and joy but I don’t know what that is anymore. I’ll be 49 this month and I don’t have anything to show for my age and experience.

I miss hugs and kisses, flowers and driving to the beach, having a dream and motivated to create it. I miss cuddling, scratching each other’s itch, chicken soup when sick, caring and being cared for… Or was it just that we were pacifying one another…. What is an adult relationship like? I shut everything and everyone out so I could get right…I fired everyone and I learned that I was only part of the issue but owning your own mind is a lonely position when you loose interest in everything.

I wonder what the next life will be like… If there’s another life to have at all. I have this thought …when we die, we come to face ourselves again; realizing that we’ve been reacting with ourselves the whole time. You know… I am you and you are me!. If you look closely at the people you deal with every day, you see yourself in them.

Anyways… That’s about as deep as I’m gonna get tonight. I need to sleep but I’m watching Dogecoin.. hoping it goes up and surprise me in the morning; I’m sure lots of people are. I don’t have a lot but it’s enough to put a smile on my face if it gets up a few more pennies 😆

I’m stuck in Zomedica too, fuckers but I have faith in both. I think it will shock me but we’ll see.

I man isn’t supposed to admit that he’s lonely, so I deactivated my Facebook account again so not to tell this to my peers. We’re all old coworkers and partiers but I’m not so close to anyone anymore. I don’t know how to.

I didn’t grow up visiting friends, saw very little of family and trauma from everything else keeps me from forming real bonds with people… I don’t even date anymore because I don’t think I do it right.. I don’t want to bad mouth past girlfriends but they really weren’t companions and nowhere near partners. Now I know what you’re thinking… I hadn’t been the best guy either but I always knew who I was.

🤔 I wish I had something worthy of reading but we all talk too much in my opinion… I want to have deep conversations but I also just want to be held and told ‘everything will be okay’.

Aside from work, my life is uneventful… My alleged children have their own lives. We try to talk sometimes but we’ll, we try, we have a broken love for one another. I guess I’m proud of who they are now…. Not that my opinion matters.

..

I was such a sweet kid, I don’t understand why my life has become such….. 😔

Ah fuck it!!! We live we act out who we think we are and eventually die. Life is so amazingly dumb and awesome.

😂 hold on whoever you are… Your life isn’t as bad as you think; you just gotta turn off your thoughts once in awhile and breathe. Write that shit down, even if it’s just babbling…. Someone might read it and know your sufferings… They might even reach out to tell you a story.

Linear time 24:35

🌝 Goodnight and good morning ☀️