Sunday, September 06, 2021
Hello Notes,
I hope you are well out there, and life treating you well. At this moment I am seated on a rock across the river from OMSI in Portland Oregon, watching runners, bikers, etc. The sun is shining down on me and I have a cigarette in hand… I know, I really need to quit.
I’m writing now to settle my mood. Seems I only do this when I’m not feeling so sound so please forgive my absence. I was doing okay for a while. I was sharing a nice townhouse with a lovely Vietnamese woman but she had to move on, leaving her daughter and grandchild to live with me, not my ideal situation but it worked, but now we’ve all parted ways. I was, I thought I was prepared… I have money saved and started looking for a home months ago but four of them turned out to be wastes of time and scams. I was denied another because I make too much money for an income restricted home… all because I’m working overtime. Stupid right?! But that’s not all… I had to wait for a week before I found out that I would be denied because the manager was on vacation.
I am also making payments on what I call blood money because my pervious apartment is charging me more for move out clean up than was stated and noise complaints brought on by another renter. Anyways… The weekend has passed now waiting for the holiday to end, I have spent 350$ on hotels and food, which is cutting into the funds needed to make a successful move. Successful is not pulling money from my stocks and crypto. Yes, I have been making strong moves to not be in this situation right now but I’m learning again that the best made plans are subject to someone else’s interventions.
The sun is warming my face and hands, the river looks good from my seat… so do the women walking by. I really need someone in my life to say these things too, so I’m not spewing my life out over onto you but who can I trust, if I cannot trust that I am making the correct decisions. Maybe I am and I am just one unlucky sum of a bitch.
I think a lot about having a relationship again but so much time has passed… I don’t know if I am a better or worse person now. I am trying so hard to gather my independence, seems like the forces that be don’t want that for me. Why do I need a girlfriend or wife to live a blessed life? How do I not make enough and make too much to barely support myself and maintain a dwelling. The thought of paying more than 800$ for a box that I’m only in to sleep when I’m not working is ridiculous.
I applied for a studio, downtown Portland. It’s a lot for a studio but it’s a decent size and I don’t have much of anything. I am hoping they will approve me so I can get on with my life. Because right now, not having anywhere to go… you know what I mean… maybe I don’t want to walk in the park or look at people sometimes, maybe I just want to stay home under the sheets on my computer, learning what I need to learn so I can do whatever it is that I am doing.
PAUSE
Shit!!! There are some beautiful people out here but I only need one whose strong and smart enough to see me.
Speaking of seeing… have you seen my store yet? I know I haven’t been pushing it like I should but life has the better of me at the moment.
But I’ll get over it momentarily…
On the brighter side…
I did take a trip and a long walk on the coast Sunday…. It was beautiful.
Last but not least… If your feeling generous
That would help keep my assets in check and my mind in a safe place.
PAUSE
(edit) I neglected to add the mood I was in at the moment when I began this note.
…I wasn’t feeling so cool and my mind was set apart. I just want to live a decent life so that when I die, my kids, friends and associate could say that I was a good guy and fought the whole way. I don’t want to reinvent the wheel, I just want to live without worry. I want my kids and friends to have a thought that I cared enough about me and them even though we don’t share much time together and be able to say.. that my pops, he’s a fucking fighter and that he lived the way he knew best.
ummm.. yeah, forgive me Notes… I got no one to be so open and foolish with. So I’m devoted to be open and real with you.
This is my logo… It’s from an old photo of me and butterfly wings. The design on its wings are part of a text that says “I want to believe”. Wrapped around him is a sunflower.
on a large print if you step back you will see a face which resembles a jack-o-lantern, lol but it is the butterflies face, frightening as this is you will also see the shape of a heart. All these elements make up the Open Eye of the Sunflower Monarch, the Butterfly Man, a symbol of personal change and elevation.
I hope that you see this in all my arts and ramblings.
Be well and with love fellow creatures.
*As of right now, I have the only t-shirt displaying my logo… Maybe in the future I will have them printed properly and share them with you. I also have a few stickers… When I get my shit together I’ll work on getting this image the exposure it deserves.
SunflowerMonarch.com 