I’ve been thinking about drawing and or painting lately but haven’t committed myself to act upon these thoughts. You see, I don’t feel the confidence I once had… I’m not even sure as to what I would compose. Sure, there’s always an image in my head and the world lends to many imaginations but the philosophy I kept is jagged and askew.

Besides, who would care!

In my despair I recall the voices of my peers and onlookers… “don’t ever stop” or “the world needs to see” but no one needs to see what I’ve done or think. I trouble myself just delivering these words upon you who are stranger to me. A boy now a man with little to nothing to show for his time on this place. I still gaze into the mirror, wondering about this face of mine. “Who are you” and what have you done with the old me?

I could tell many stories about my hardships and personal triumphs but do these tales paint an accurate picture of who I am? I just watched a story about Louis Wain on Amazon. I don’t watch too many new films, seems I’m stuck in the past but I figure I’m thinking about art, I might as well watch a story on one. to my surprise, it held my interest and drew a tear when the man from the train came to him in the hospital. I am fortunate myself to not be in such a calamity btu I dread the day… to be so alone, in my head.

but I am alone now, am I not? Living alone in this studio but I am independent… right?! Life is a dirty trickster.

I don’t want to get into the “woe is me” shit or whining about not having a mate with a chemistry that would make us a wonderful couple but damn. Don’t I deserve better than the overweight white girl with little to no self-esteem or respect. Thats not fair for me to say… I’ve had a few decent…. fuck that! no I haven’t. Of all the girls I’ve dated, I only picked two or three myself but you can’t tell girls that. You can’t tell them that you really weren’t interested but you accepted their advance so they wouldn’t feel rejected or that you needed to company.

But I should have said just that.

Fuck it.

Where am I in my life currently? to be real… I think I am in a prime position to start again, well, I have regenerated myself on many occasions but I am independent now or at least standing on my own accord. I know I’m being hard on myself again; I know I am doing very well considering my experiences. lol I’m so glad I’m doing this on the PC… I love that it corrects my grammar and spelling.

I suppose these random tears are a sort of grace, in remembrance of my journey, the fear of what’s to come and what I experience in mind. I used to dream that I’d lose a wife while I was in service, another dream is a nightmare being attacked by dogs and not being able to wake up. Those are really old dreams but most of my art and utterances come from my dreams or visions deriving from subjects of study. ANYWAYS!!

My friend John, invited me to Thanksgiving dinner with his family. Hes about 10-15 years older than I, his wife, maybe closer to my age, I don’t know. My condition makes me not trust most people or let very many close to me but I must say… I’d be a different person had they not befriended me so many years ago. They know I am kind of quirky and realize that I need to be engaged to react, otherwise, I’d never come out. lol I used to tell my old coworkers at the club “If it wasn’t for work, no one would know me”. I’d hide away in my studio doing art that no one would ever see…..

BLAH BLAH BLAH

I actually don’t like telling you all this but I am compelled to open up so, I act like I enjoy sharing my life but I’d much rather be living it with someone. Funny part is, I’m still picky. There is an old flame rallying my attention I can’t commit to a long-distance relationship and all she wants to talk about is sex. Not that I mind but I do? Sure, I like sex but I don’t want to think about it all the time and I don’t want to make the mistake of making another kid and not knowing if i made it or if I can afford it. I should get a vasectomy now. Fuck I should have done it years ago but I thought I would have a regular life.

But I’m not regular …am I?

The art store is closed now so I may go tomorrow and I may actually compose some sound instead of just making lazy noise. shigh.

I have a microphone and I’m doing strange things to get comfortable with it… like recording myself while masturbating. lol yeah, I did that. My lady friend wants me to record us making out and a video too but the last thing I want to watch is me banging this woman. lol I don’t know. I don’t even like seeing the guy in regular porn. I talk to the movie… “don’t point his cock at me, I’m not going to suck it”. sorry TMI right. What I was saying is that hearing my voice disturbs me. Thats one reason why I don’t talk much but life said buy the damn microphone and keep being creative, even if I think its sucks or it incomplete.

Well, I should probably commit to being creative right now and stop babbling.

I do appreciate the technology, that it allows me to express myself and I appreciate you acknowledging that you’ve read this madness. Every once in a while, I read beyond my own words and see that I am not the only one pouring out his life. I guess I do get some sort of comfort in doing it… I hope you do to… whomever you are.

Be Well Note.

P.S.

Whoever you are

Wherever you are

If you find yourself mad at yourself for being afraid, giving up, hopeless, lost, feeling alone….

rest assured; you are not the only one. I’m not the best person in the world but I know I’m not the worst but you can be certain that I let go from the heart when I get here.

It’s okay that you are afraid, angry, given up, hopeless, lost and alone because you also know what it is to have cried, happy tears, picked up back where you dropped off, found yourself and loved yourself and someone else.

And if you ever need to share a note that shouldn’t be live but you need to express it…. because you’re having difficulty coping, you can send one directly.

Take care Notes.