Mr. Parker: There was a moment during my recovery where I was unhinged in thought, my imagination crossed over and incorporated items from memory. People I knew and had history with became part of the fantasy.

I recall a time where I watched a lot of porn… now, I want you to remember that I am an artist. Yes, I am, was a freak but I use porn as an excitor for art. I don’t fuck just to be fucking. Anyway… Sometimes, because of this separation, I thought that the women I saw were trying to communicate with me. They all can’t be horny all the damn time and they all can’t be there by choice??? Right? Even strippers need a break. I didn’t spend any money, so I thought the connection was silent and real, but it was an illusion. The illusion got so crazy that I though people were being kidnapped and forced to do these things, even those who looked like women… looked like they were once men or boys. My mind said, they must have gone in to get a change but was abducted. Now forced to work off the payment or because they were addicts.

When I found myself looking just for kicks… because that s what you do when you’re high… masturbating just to pass the time, getting it out of the way so you don’t wind up molesting some poor woman minding her business walking down the street but then you wind up stuck for hours jerking off. There was a time where all I heard was moaning in my ears. What kind of death would that have been? Sweet and erotic that’s what!! But I had to sober the fuck up!! It was crazy, I got rid of the TV… I still hear voices in the advertisements… pisses me off. but it gave me a look inside of the type of music I wanted to produce. Sex sells and that drive is fused into everything that we do. It’s no secret, marketers do it all the time… we’re walking around and masturbating in our heads. lol a lady friend, dared to tell me that she masturbates while in her car. Sure, on porn I expect to see that, but I don’t expect a woman to tell me that.

At the end of the day, we’re all freaks in denial. Acting a certain way to present ourselves as “proper” human beings…. but I know better. I just hope my fantasy about people in those little rooms with the greenscreen making them look as if they were in a better place than home, they are i, really doing it because they want to and not because they are trapped or manipulated. I hope that my imagination of some that I thought whose lives were taken because someone got close understood the body language, beyond the sexual exploitations. There was one who from what I saw had escaped but in a news cast… killed by some unfortunate accident.

There’s so much more… damn… I got stuck on KOIN once. I thought a news person was kidnapped and I got connected to a news tower and received messages from someone who tried to help me help them. It was such a strange experience… and the one time I was ultra-paranoid because I thought they found me and would kidnap me. I was hanging out at a hotel to rescue someone fuck what a night that was.

For as bad as my psychosis became…. I was luckier to not have been taken advantage of. There were times, and I remember sadly but my overall experience revealed abuse long before my addiction/circumstance became a choice. I say addiction loosely because if you are aware of what’s going on… it’s a choice not an addiction. Was I hooked? YES!! But I was aware of my folly. and had to see it through to survive. The last few months I forced myself into a dangerous push that nearly killed me. I learned that some of my actions were mimicked by actions from my youth.

A few years ago… the mother of my first child said to me “people thought you were my pimp” I chuckled because of our… S&M lifestyle. When she told me that she was a whore the whole time, and recalled some of the people we delt with, I knew it was the truth. To this day, I still believe I dodged the bullet in my meeting Jeffrey D…. He got one of the boys I hung out with then. I haven’t been diagnosed but I’ve had a sort of ‘survivors’ guilt’ that I lived with…. it’s been so long, and I’ve pushed the memory back that I doubt if I had an interaction with him at all, he approached me…. asked if he could take my picture, said “you are exotic”. I wore this black hoodie all the time, nothing special. We were all doing LSD back then. I remember the first time. So much shit I remember…. but I can barely recall yesterday sometimes.

This is why I am writing this now… I slip in and out of sync and remember these things. I don’t have anyone close enough or a therapist to tell these things to… so I need to get it out or it winds up in the creative stuff I do. Which if your fucked up… Might just take you on the ride of your life. Meaning if you’re a fucking junkie… it took a lot of force not to do what one would expect an out-of-control addict to do… you might be compelled to do what I was fortunate to avoid. I put myself into some dangerous situations, and being in a state of psychosis, could have put me in some lunatic’s basement and even death.

I need to ready for bed… Got work tomorrow. I might get deeper into this story, or I might not. Be careful out there…. there’s a thin line between sanity and what is not, what is acceptable and what is known. And just because your best bud is sober…… or smokes dope once in a while doesn’t mean they are not the freak you shouldn’t be afraid of…..

some things I remember that I shouldn’t:

Being touched as a child by an older person

Seeing gay porn as a child

sex with pops ex-girlfriend after he passed

my fist in a vagina at 18

S&M at 18

searching for a third partner with a girlfriend and learning years later that she was a drug using whore the whole time

putting my forearm up someone’s ass…… NO ONE SHOULD REMEMBER SHIT LIKIE THIS!!

loss of time = to using drugs, before I ever knew what they were

drugged, molested and raped by an employer/friend. I stole his car afterwards…. there was another night I remember…. I engaged someone on the bus. in a way that a 17-year-old boy should not be speaking. I didn’t know I was high; I didn’t know what I was doing but I remember the feeling of a rushing wave, making me want to speak in such a way.

People talk a lot about the victimization of woman, but a boy should never know, and a man should never remember such things.

There is so much I remember. and I hate myself that I do.

I hate you too….

and it is because I remember…… that I remember that I love you and I keep you at a distance because I don’t want to hurt you or myself. because some day…. I won’t have the grip I have now, and you might not have learned to understand what I need from you to feel safe.

NOTE!!! Those people work together… They have kids hanging out at youth facilities, so called friends let you hang out at their home and talk nonstop… they are the ones that dose you without your permission, they sell drugs at clubs and have people hit on you, you’re being sold without knowing, all your relationships are false, molested, raped by people you think are trying to help you.

Human trafficking isn’t just girls, its all of us and it’s much more common that you think.

I don’t know if my first child is mine… she tried to give him away via adoption without my knowledge… I wish I held on to him, but my father was dead, my mom abandoned me… I was alone. I wish I was ready for the world…

but I was not.

(((When you read this child… You will know why I keep my distance from you. I won’t reach out to you, not ever. I love you enough to stay away so you can have a damn life. They told me I couldn’t, but that bitch found you so that you and your half-sister could unite. And they all watched me spiral out of control, but no one reached out to help… I suggest you get a test to see if you’re related at all)))