Side Note

There is something I think you all should think about

While it is nice that you’ve acknowledged a well-known person who chose an early leave, you fill the scrolls to encourage those who may have considered such an exit, I want you to take a step further… into yourselves and them.

A person who has tried will always have that memory, filled with enough emotion to cause a momentary lapse in reasoning. Professionals call depression a disease, much like that of an addiction; so take care that you may not trigger a loved one’s soft spot with your sweet words. If you have friends or family who are hypersensitive, chemically, mentally unstable, call and or see them directly, because they are reliving that moment every time you remind them.

So you better understand;

When alone, a man or woman is in a passive state, they are subject to suggestion, that’s why advertising is such big business; hypnosis through repetition. Full disclosure, I don’t know who this latest artist is but the fact that he’s an artist and the word has popped up so many times today, I am compelled to respond… I am glad to see you all appreciate the value of the life and memories, but I have been soaking in retroactive memories (is that a word, did I use it correctly?)… what’s worse, I have already validated the act as sacred, that means I don’t need to be depressed to check out (if I think God is calling me and my tasks are complete, I get a free pass).

I have a great love for you all but you’re killing me, I have great magic protecting me but let’s get real here. Are you paying as close attention to one another? When I die …let me be but for now, sometimes I need to be carried out my place just to face myself. Sometimes I wish I were rich so I could afford to hide away.

I don’t always use proper grammar or punctuation because I’m processing inner dialog and I don’t think anyone is reading

I don’t readily admit to seriously suffering and I will go barefoot, go hungry and weep in the dark alone before I tell you the truth because the word crisis wasn’t in my dictionary. I am trying to find myself again as an artist and my greatest feat is ‘Creativity in the midst of Adversity’ but this new feeling where my whole body feels emotion drives me mad. I don’t know if I’m sick or tired of everything.

**Pause

I see you weeping friend; you did well to express this… do not be ashamed and do not apologize, your breakthrough is coming. Keep going, bring them in; show them how it’s done.

THE SPIRIT MOVES YOU!!!

A few years ago, I lived at 629 NE 21st in Portland. , One lonely night, I walked out my apartment with the intention to jump from the bridge on 20th crossing the Banfield Expressway. Each step followed a pitiful, hateful thought and words to match. Demons dared me, even sat me down taunting me “you can sit here and no one will notice you, no one will stop to ask if you’re okay” I sat there, then I began to count the passing cars. I counted the steps it would take to climb the gate and the speed of passing cars so I’d be certain to be hit after hitting the ground’ it’s dark, they won’t see me until it too late. Three steps up a voice began to argue with me… five steps up, I became vocal yelling with this voice; seven steps up I noticed that sticker on the handrail, I saw it a month before.. a FedEx label with the word “UNION” t-shirts on it in a crude boxy style, it was a sign… I remembered the t-shirts I made called “The Union” and the wallpaper I made from a beach photo with the words Speculum Magica/UNION.

The voice commanded me to return home.

I survived that night not because I wanted or chose to live… I survived because The Spirit would not allow me to plant that seed in Mia or Michael (Carter), my sacrifices are greater than the submission.

And showed me how to break the curse.

**Break

I don’t think I am classically suicidal but I don’t have an anchor either.

**Break

That’s good, stop here.

Thank you.

You walked through that very well… You should rest now. Tomorrow you start taking better care of yourself.